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Reviews for "Alone in the Dark" More Entertaining Than the Movie

Posted by Fara Kearnes on February 24, 2005 5:17 PM |

The Tara Reid Christian Slater pic "Alone in the Dark" received some pretty humbling reviews when it came out. In fact, the reviews are better reading than actually watching the film. Enjoy!


Alone In the Dark photo

"So mind-blowingly horrible that it teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality. " -- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

"Anyone who spends 10 bucks seeing it ought to get 11 bucks change and a written apology from the director and cast." -- Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR

"No better than whatever you might pick up while wearing a blindfold at Blockbuster, even if you happen to reach into a trash can." -- Jack Mathews, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

, "Saying Uwe Bollís Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV." -- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

"Trying to rehash this plot is like trying to describe a Jackson Pollock painting while drunk" -- Pete Croatto FILMCRITIC.COM

"If you took the 100 worst ideas ever conceived for a science-fiction film, rattled them around in a Lotto tumbler and spilled them out onto the screen at random, you could not produce a more asinine hodgepodge." -- Colin Covert, MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE

"As video game adaptations go, even Pong: The Movie would would have a lot more personality." -- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"Slater narrates as if reading a restaurant menu. Reid seems to have learned each long sentence in segments, so she wouldn't be overtaxed." -- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER

"Think of the lamest horror movie you've ever seen. Now think of Tara Reid in the lamest horror movie you've ever seen. See how much worse it could have been?" -- Janice Page, BOSTON GLOBE

"Proves that it's possible to 'dumb down' a video game." -- Philip Wuntch, DALLAS MORNING NEWS

"Alone in the Dark will be the worst movie of 2005. The idea that anything could be worse is the only genuine scare the movie has to offer." -- Chris Kaltenbach, BALTIMORE SUN

"Tara-ble. " -- Russell Scott Smith, NEW YORK POST

Even the studio's website is a long-loading, dark and hard-to-see mess. See it at Alone In The Dark.

"Saying Uwe Bollís Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV." -- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

"Trying to rehash this plot is like trying to describe a Jackson Pollock painting while drunk" -- Pete Croatto FILMCRITIC.COM

"If you took the 100 worst ideas ever conceived for a science-fiction film, rattled them around in a Lotto tumbler and spilled them out onto the screen at random, you could not produce a more asinine hodgepodge." -- Colin Covert, MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE

"As video game adaptations go, even Pong: The Movie would would have a lot more personality." -- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"Slater narrates as if reading a restaurant menu. Reid seems to have learned each long sentence in segments, so she wouldn't be overtaxed." -- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER

"Think of the lamest horror movie you've ever seen. Now think of Tara Reid in the lamest horror movie you've ever seen. See how much worse it could have been?" -- Janice Page, BOSTON GLOBE

"Proves that it's possible to 'dumb down' a video game." -- Philip Wuntch, DALLAS MORNING NEWS

"Alone in the Dark will be the worst movie of 2005. The idea that anything could be worse is the only genuine scare the movie has to offer." -- Chris Kaltenbach, BALTIMORE SUN

"Tara-ble. " -- Russell Scott Smith, NEW YORK POST

Even the studio's website is a long-loading, dark and hard-to-see mess. See it at Alone In The Dark.


Comments

This is the craziest stuff I have read. Michael never threatened his wife and children and this is a very crule statement placed in the media for Dinas benefit. She filed for a divorce and has tried hard to make Michael look as bad as possible. I personally know that Michael never said this stuff and never would. He loves his children and didn't want this divorce in the first place. Dina brothers, Mathew, Paul and Chris have sided with their sister Dina, and plotted I might add, to get Michael out of the picture since THEY work for Lindsays company. They financially benefit, NOT MICHAEL. Dina gets 15% of Lindsays income and Micahel requested 1/2 of this segment of income. Heck she took the house and all equitiy they had - so why is she entitled to Lindsays income and Michael loses everything. She is the one having the affair with the body guard. Whats fair honestly?


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